It’s hard to argue when you won’t stop making sense – Volume 4

Sooo…I’ve been on a bit of hiatus lately. I know, I know—no one really missed me. It’s okay! I don’t really have a good reason for the lapse in time between posts, so I’ll keep the reasons short and vague: work has become nuts, I recently lost something really amazing I found a couple months ago and haven’t been able to get it back, and…well, those two things are mainly why I’ve been slacking. Will you accept my apology in the form of another round of head-scratching ‘what were they thinking’s? Yeah? Great! Here we go…

Degree Adrenaline Deodorant

The English-Dutch Unilever company introduced a new line of Degree deodorants in the past few months; a line called the Adrenaline Series. Seems like their target market is active/sporty/non-sedentary men…simple enough. Except I don’t get the picture on the label of one in particular. They’ve got Sports Defense with what looks like some sort of sports stadium—maybe a soccer or football?

Okay cool. I can see the design department coming up with this one. If I’m head of marketing, I’d give this one a thumbs up to proceed with manufacturing. Then you’ve got V12 with a speedometer pushing 200 mph. Now this one makes me scratch my head a little bit because why would you name a scent of deodorant after a type of vehicle engine?  But I’ll retract my hand from actually scratching said head just this once—I’ll let them have this one. I’ll let it slide because if I’m driving a car and pushing 200 mph, then my adrenaline is definitely pumping at full tilt. And I’m probably sweating. And after making this connection, their marketing has worked because I now think the next time I’m speeding I’ll wish I was wearing this stuff to keep me fresh in the pits. So kudos for this one.

Then comes the weirdo. The one I saw at Target actually stopped me in my tracks, caused me to reverse, and bend down in a crouching position to get a better look at it (similar to a golfer sizing up his putt or a baseball catcher ready to receive the next pitch). Degree’s Adventure scent has a carabiner on it. Huh? Why? Adventure could mean a lot of things. Have a picture on the label of a guy rock climbing on the face of a huge mountain…not just the dude’s carabiner! Or maybe a picture of a guy getting his eyebrows waxed. Now there’s an adventure! One I can’t attest to, but I have friends who I’m sure would say their adrenaline was at elevated levels. It’s like they were restricted to only Clip Art from Microsoft Office 95. Marketing department fail. For laziness. What were they thinking?





Credit Repair Van

I was driving through the Galleria area of Houston recently and was stopped at a light when I saw this rickety van in front of me. Shocked, I pulled out my camera phone and snapped a quick picture of the monstrosity.

hey kid, want to get in my rickety van? I’ve got candy

Hmm…I realize there are roughly 176.8 million Americans with credit cards out there amassing on average $15k worth of debt, but do you really need help from a company who drives rickety yellow vans around? No. Resist this company’s offer to help you out and instead take that money you would’ve paid them for consulting fees and buy a Dave Ramsey book. Do it the right way people! Not the rickety-van way.

Huggies Little Movers Jeans Diapers

Yeah, you just read that subtitle correctly. Huggies has gone out of it’s way to create an infant version of jorts. Darn them! The jorts phenomenon needs to die a quick, painless death and leave us alone forever.

at least they’re on sale

It looks like these even have little butt pockets on them as well! Why? What does a 3-month old need to put in his butt pocket? And belt loops. Belt loops. Belt loops? For that sweet leather name belt they have that’s needed to keep their britches diaper up. Because let’s face it, we can’t have infant’s bustin a sag. But seriously, who thought it would be “cute” to make denim-looking diapers? What were they thinking?!

Crayon Sports Drink

Initial thought: is this targeted at kids who also eat paint chips? Or Elmer’s glue? Or their boogers? Even their website has an absurdly goofy website address: drinkcrayons.com. Hmmm…where to start dissecting this one?

Why would you think as a wax-color-making company that you should diversify your group a bit by jumping into the untapped youth sports drink market? (Yes, I realize a crayon is the actual coloring device and I’m referring to it as if it’s a company, i.e. Crayola.) Either way, this would be like Fisher-Price moving into the animal cookie market. This would confuse all sorts of toddlers—they’ll see a toy goat that goes with their Little People Animalville set and think it’s a cookie! That would be bad news if it happened, people. This is bad news too—only it’s really a product! Kids are going to think it’s safe to eat crayons now since their parents give them crayon drinks.

I’d like to see how long this ‘youth sports drink’ fad lasts, because I seriously don’t know how this won’t lead to numerous lawsuits before they shut this operation down. Hmmm…

Rant: Apple iPhone

This is not a rant about iPhone 4 features. The newest of Apple's mobile gadgetry arsenal is looking good and up to form (well, to Apple's standards), but their notoriously famous marketing scheme just gets old. I understand... you're probably thinking What's wrong with it--why fix (change) something that isn't broken (failing)?

Not that I want one, but why does Apple always make sure there are never enough iPhones available at launch? How about delaying the date some so that manufacturing can produce enough to be available to have a chance at meeting the high demand you know you'll have on pre-orders?

Quit faking the "Oh look at me! We're selling out day one! Demand is so high on our new product because it's awesome!" act. It's not cute. Or admirable. Or endearing. It makes me lose more and more respect for you each June. Many of us know enough about supply and demand to know that you're going about creating buzz all wrong...the dishonest way.

Get your act together now for next summer's release and show the world you know what you're doing. Please. And if not for me, at least for all your hundreds of thousands of Apple fanboys who would probably fight to the death in your honor.