Friday, August 6, 2010

Beards are for winners

Most of the greatest men to walk this earth have rocked a beard. Some were long and some were of a more respectable length. You’ve got Jesus Christ, Socrates, Che Guevara, Willie Nelson, Robert E. Lee, Abraham Lincoln, Colonel Sanders, Obi-Wan Kenobi, Chuck Norris…the list could go on for a while. There’s even a bearded dragon, which was once just a regular, boring dragon until it realized the hidden powers the beard instills. These guys (and some women) have realized one thing: beards command attention. Beards say Hey, look at me. The mouth I encompass has something very important to say. Beards say I make my owner very wise-looking.

As with all things, there are pros and cons to be weighed before proceeding with the adventure of growing your own beard. Let’s see what we can come up with (feel free to add more in the comments section below):

1) Beards are sometimes a little itchy. Go wash your face you dirty-faced dude!
2) Beards have the potential to make you look rather vagrantly if not maintained properly.
3) If not sculpted correctly, beards have the great ability of displaying your true douchey-ness.
4) Facial hair tends to gray faster than head hair, causing confusion in many as to your actual age. Facial hair coloring is often the best solution, which if you are a real man is no solution at all.
5) Beard growth implies ultimate bachelorhood“Sorry ladies, I’m off the market and not even trying!”

1) Beards are huge flavor-savers; they catch everything. You know when you’re drinking your cereal milk too quickly and it escapes your mouth just to trickle down your face and onto your pants? With a beard, you don’t have that problem because it catches the milk before it soils your britches.
2) Beards make you look older and therefore wiser. Sad, but true—I did not get my “senior” accountant promotion until I grew a beard. I suppose I needed to look the part.
3) Beards go well with sweaters. And scarves.
4) Beards can take the attention off of your balding (or already bald) head.
5) Beards make it easier to shave than fully-shaving since there’s less surface area to shave.
6) They’re malleable.
7) Beards are awesome.

The biggest misconception with beards is that chicks hate them. An independent study by the University of Waterloo* in Iowa found 87% of polled women like a man without facial hair. In another study, 91% of polled women like a man with a beard. The first poll was conducted by 10 very good-looking, clean-shaven male models. The second poll was conducted a month later by the same 10 models but who were now donning a month's worth of beard growth. So what the study really found was the women were clearly swayed by the male models’ charm and good looks to vote yes and that having a beard did not affect whether or not a girl would find you attractive! Don’t let girls’ possible thoughts of how a beard would affect your attractiveness deter you from growing one.

If you’re good-looking, a beard is not going to knock you down a notch—it’s all about confidence anyways, right ladies? On the flip-side, if you didn’t have the pleasure of inheriting a handsome mug, you can always use a beard to hide your face so that your awesome personality can stand out!

*Not an actual university.

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